I am a bit of a potty mouth.
Now in every day conversation I mind my Ps & Qs, and am fairly inoffensive. There's a time and place for random profanity and it's not during casual discourse with friends and family. And really shouldn't take place in front of children.
But my inner trash queen emerges in the place where it affects many of us. In the car. Ok, maybe it's not just in the car, maybe also in the house, in the outdoors, and in the world. But let's ignore that for now.
I don't think I am an aggressive driver because I believe there's room for all of us on the roads and we should all endeavor to get to our destinations safely and ensure everyone else does the same. I also like People and don't wish them any ill will simply because they are on the road as well.
But there are a few driving habits that really piss me off such as using mobile phones while driving, changing lanes without indicating or tailgating and sadly, those actions bring on a case of Oral Toiletitis.
The ironic thing is that of course like everyone else, I may do these bad things too (except tailgating or using my mobile). And maybe whenever the Mothership is in the passenger seat I've sort of noticed that she grips the door handle with white knuckles. But I never said I also wasn't prone to occasional bouts of hypocrisy.
When someone pulls suddenly in front of me without using their blinkers or the aforementioned tailgating, I think wonderous thoughts like, "What are you doing knob cloud?" or I may even draw from Shakespeare and call someone a Lumpish Babulous Nibble. But most of the time it is basic but colourful adjectives such as "What a f*&$ing asshole!"
And maybe sometimes I think that I'm thinking these things and not actually saying them. I like to think that whenever the Sonofaguns are in the car I'm only thinking these things whilst maintaining the perfect 'Mum driving the kids' persona.
But maybe that rarely happens.
Last Sunday night after dinner I was watching TV next to Sonofagun No.2 who was on the Tablet watching a Youtube video of a guy playing World of Warcraft or Minecraft or something something. You know those Youtubers the kids watch who simply have videos of themselves playing games while they narrate and scream and carry on while they're playing? Annoying AF but whatevs.
This guy was playing and there was a lot of "Woah! What was that? A creeper! I'm gonna smash you!" and then "Oh shit!! What the f*%&!!!"
I decided to be all parental and said, "Hey, I don't want you watching that. If you must watch one of those guys, watch that Pommie guy who doesn't swear! Whatisname? Dan TDM or something?"
Sonofagun No.2 dutifully stopped the video but then Sonofagun No.1 popped his head into the room and said, "You know Ma, in his defense whatever he hears in those videos is nothing compared to what he hears you say when you're driving."
Amazona: "What? I don't swear THAT much!"
SOG1: "Are you serious? Yesterday you called some guy an asshat!"
Amazona: "Yes well, that's obviously not very nice and I shouldn't have..."
SOG1: "And I've heard you call people wankers, assholes, f*$ wits and knob clouds more times than I can count. You can't even make it to the end of the street without swearing at someone."
I was shocked, confused, in denial!
And then I remembered a little conversation that took place the previous Friday night between Sonofagun No.2 and I in the car.
I had just picked him up from After School Care. It was pouring with rain and dark. I was driving home singing along to Meatloaf on the stereo and as I entered a roundabout, another driver pulled onto the roundabout in front of me causing me to brake suddenly.
Now the impression I had in my mind was that I was happily and loudly singing:
"COZ IT'S COOOOLD AND LONELY IN THE DEEP, DARK NIGHT! I CAN SEE PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT!"
and as the guy pulled in front of me I thought, F*&%ing asshat"
Then Sonofagun No.2 piped up from the back seat, "Mum, you said a rude word!!"
And I realized I didn't think it. I sang it.
"COZ IT'S COOOOLD AND LONELY IN THE DEEP F*@%ING ASSHAT! I CAN SEE PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT!"
Oops. So I replied, "Oh baby, you're right! I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have used those words. I won't do it again." And I felt contrite, and proudly parental all at the same time.
Until Sonofagun No.2 said, "Sure you will mum. You do all the time. Next time maybe just call him a Douche Bag."
Interestingly at the time I was more preoccupied with the fact he commented on my swearing instead of saying his usual comment:
"Stop singing Mum. You make the music sound ugly."
The Red Haired Amazona